


I'll take my heart this time

by Venusofthehardsell



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Empath Reader, F/M, Moving On, Reader Has Powers, past toxic relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-10
Updated: 2019-06-10
Packaged: 2020-04-24 05:38:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19166887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Venusofthehardsell/pseuds/Venusofthehardsell
Summary: After helping the Avengers save the world from an alien army, the reader must confront her life-long devotion to the God of Mischief





	I'll take my heart this time

**Author's Note:**

> This ended up being completely different than I originally planned. I don't know what else to say. It's probably for the best.

Thor stopped on the doorstep when he saw the state of the room.

"You’re leaving?“ 

The disbelief in his voice, the hurt, resonated within you, but you firmly kept folding the sheet you had taken off the bed. There was no need for an answer. Anyone could tell you were practically halfway out the door already.

You had donned your overcoat and boots, and your few belongings were stashed in a leather bag pack on one of the chairs. Every surface in here had been cleared of things and swiped down.  
There was only the bedding left, which you were now neatly folding and placing on the naked duvet.

"Why?”

Your stomach clenched, but you managed to get a calm answer out of the emotional slaughter still raging in your mind.

“I promised to stay and help defeat the alien intruders. They are defeated, so…” You left the sentence hanging in the air.

“Yes, but there is no need for you to go. My brother… I mean, we all hoped that you would become a permanent part of the team.”

“You know that I can’t.”

Thor wore his feelings plainly on his face and the way his pale blue eyes now bristled with pity was as clear as day to you.

“But you love him,” he said quietly. 

You snorted to hide the fact that your carefully constructed indifference was slowly coming apart from his words.

“It hardly matters…” Your voice was trembling now and it made you angry. Why couldn’t you control your own damn feelings when it came to Loki? Even after all this time…

“My dear, you wiped out an entire army because you couldn’t bear the thought of losing him. Of course it matters!”

“He used me!,” you cried, feeling tears stinging in your eyes now. “He knew how I would react, how I would _feel…_ ”

It was too much.You crumbled as you set a sheet of tears free down your cheeks and allowed yourself to sob. Thor was at your side at once and gently placed his large arms around you.

“He also knew it was the only way we could win,” he said reasonably and you were briefly proud your chaotic emotions weren’t rubbing off on him.  
You kept sobbing in his embrace, wishing it was Loki’s, wishing you had been a better guard of your heart all those years ago.  
“Please don’t leave him,” Thor mumbled after a while when the sobs had finally stopped raking your body and instead left you trembling and silently heaving for breath. “Loki is too proud to admit it, but he is better with you.”

“You’re right,” you managed, biting your lip. “He is too proud. And I am a fool for wanting the impossible.”

Slipping back into a frail shell of the control you usually wielded, you slowly detached yourself from Thor and went to pick up your bag. You grabbed one of the straps so tightly your nails cut into your palm and made little crescent indentations. The pain kept you grounded.

“Farewell Thor, Son of Odin. It was an honour fighting beside you.”

There was something akin to mourning in Thor’s expression now as he lightly shook his head but nevertheless he acknowledged your goodbye.

“The honour was mine.”

You swallowed the lump that had built up in your throat again and turned to leave. You had taken less than two steps down the hallway when a shout made you hold your steps.

“Wait!”

That particular voice made your legs freeze up for about two seconds. Then you resumed your path at twice the pace. You made it halfway towards the lift before Loki’s hand was around your wrist.

“Please, stop.”

It was a mistake to turn your head and look at him. Whenever you did, you had to wonder if he didn’t have the same powers as yourself after all. Those startlingly beautiful eyes that shone like a pair of bright precious stones always took your breath away. Even now, even hating him, you found yourself short of breath as his eyes bore into yours.

“Let go of me, Loki.” You were better at controlling your feelings than your voice and it didn’t come out as coldly as you wanted it to. “I have a flight to catch.”

“Whereto?”

“Does it matter? This world ought to be big enough for us never to have to meet again.” You tore your wrist from his grip.

“Is that what you want?”

The fact that he had the _audacity_ to sound remorseful beneath the calmness of his demeanour made a spark of anger flare up in you. Did he honestly believe, after everything he had witnessed, after everything you _had done_ , that such a simple acting trick would work in his favour?

“How dare you?,” you whispered, feeling your throat constrict with each word and breath that left your mouth. “How _dare_ you say it like that?!”

“What do you mean?” Loki took less than half a step away from you, but his eyes never left yours. And they were searching. As if he truly couldn’t fathom what made you look at him with such contempt.

“You are unbelievable! After all this time… how can you possibly have to ask me what I want?” 

Tears stung in your eyes again, but you suddenly realised you were beyond caring. He had taken everything you could offer him: your love. Your friendship and your council, your unwavering support, your powers, your devotion, your body even, years and years of your life and, eventually, your very soul. Let him have your dignity as well.

“I have given you everything, Loki. And you have shown me time and time again that it isn’t enough for you. I killed _thousands_ in your name… But I would have killed millions more if it meant winning your heart. I would have done anything. You have known that for as long as you’ve known me. Isn’t that why you asked for my help? Because you knew? Even after what you put me through, when you called I came running. To _you_.”

Your insides hurt when you paused to breathe. Your cheeks were wet with tears that wouldn’t stop spilling from your eyes and you cursed them to Hel and back for betraying your feelings so blatantly in front of Loki.

“But it’s over. I am done playing this wicked game of yours where I accept whatever scraps of affection you can spare at the time, like some loyal dog who still licks the hand that beats it. The next time you need help, _Your Highness_ , call someone else.” 

Your voice was in shambles by the time you finished speaking. Every word hurt to get out. From the tips of your fingers through your bones until they scratched their way past your tongue, they burned and seared inside of you, and once they were out they left you feeling empty and naked beneath Loki’s silent emerald stare.  
The worst of it, however, was not how you felt.It was the bitter sting of heartache coming from him.

Loki drew in a deep, almost careful breath as if the silence between you following your words would explode if he cut it the wrong way.

“You’re right,” he said quietly, eyeing you with apprehension the way one might a feral animal. “I’ve always taken your devotion for granted…” You hardly dared move when he whispered your name. “I’m sorry.”

It felt as if your heart might stop right then and there. You let out a strangled little sort of gasp, clutching your bag pack close like a shield. The fact that you hadn’t turned and walked further away from him seemed to reassure him a little.

“I want you to know I truly mean it when I say I didn’t wish to cause you any more pain when I asked you to come here. Quite the opposite to be honest. I also know you won’t believe me…” 

Loki almost chuckled at that, though the anguish he was feeling was still clear on his face. 

“I have given you no reason to trust me in the past.” 

You swallowed when he hesitated. 

“So I’m going to offer you proof instead.” 

Then he held out his hand.

Unlike almost everyone else, Loki had in time learned to conceal his true feelings for you or at least make it harder for you to read them. His emotions took a lot of effort for you to make out if he didn’t want you to know them. Unless you touched him directly.  
His outreached hand to you was him baring himself of all defences. If you took it there would be nothing shielding him. He couldn’t lie his way out of it; you could completely undress his heart.

Your fingers trembled.

It would be so easy to reach out and touch those long pale fingers of his and finally find out how he felt. Once and for all.

“Please,” he urged when you didn’t move. 

There was a slight shiver in his voice that you were sure he hadn’t meant for you to hear. He made no attempt to hide the fact that he was growing more and more desperate with every second that passed without you moving towards him.You shook your head.

“I can’t.” A hint of his panic reached you, but you made sure not to mix it with the chaos of your own. “I can’t do this again. You’ve… you’ve broken my heart so many times, I don’t think I’ll survive it if you do it again.” 

Your words were barely a whisper, but you might as well have shouted them for how Loki flinched.

“I won’t. I’ve been a fool in the past and I realise that you have already given me more chances than I deserve… But I am begging you for just one more. Please…”

“Loki…”

“Take my hand. I… I need you.” His voice fell to a whisper. “I can’t lose you.”

There was no mistaking that his eyes were glistening now. Your name lay softly and quivering on his lips and it felt as if your heart had stopped in your chest. If you hadn’t known him most of your life and if you hadn’t been in a disturbingly similar situation only a few centuries earlier, you would have leapt right at him with open arms.You couldn’t hold back the sob that had been building up in your throat and grown so big it was hurting you.

“Stop it,” you whimpered, frantically shaking your head now. “It’s over. The line between love and hate is the width of a strand of hair, Loki. And I’ve been stumbling along it for as long as I can remember… You never deserved my love.” 

The words tasted acidic in your mouth. You fixed him with a long, hard stare that was probably not half as intimidating as you imagined given your current state of distress, but you might as well have stabbed Loki in the gut for how devastated he looked.

“But the worst part is that after everything, after all you’ve done… after all you’ve _endured_ …” Your voice quavered with pent up mourning for him that never seemed to stop. “You don’t deserve my hate either. If I leave, you won’t have any of the two. You can start afresh.”

Loki swallowed. Hard. At long last, you could feel him let go of the final shred of pride holding him back. He closed the distance between you and placed both hands tenderly against your temples.  
Over the past thousand years, you had touched each other more times than you could possibly count, and in much more intimate ways.  
But it had never felt like this.

Despite the cold in his fingertips, rush after rush of warmth spilled from the places his skin touched yours, filling you with a serene sense of comfort and familiarity and, overwhelmingly, _bliss_.

“Please, don’t do this…,” he intoned in a frail murmur, about to utterly shatter. “Don’t walk away. I’m not ready to let you go. _I love you._ ”

It felt as if all the air in the corridor was sucked out of your lungs and right out of reach. The tears turned to glass in your eyes. He really meant it. The words you had always longed to hear. He meant them with all his heart. The very thing you had never ever thought would cross his lips. He felt them with all of his being.  
I love you.  
_I love you._

Loki leaned in and the world fell away at the touch of his lips. You closed your eyes and pressed yourself into his gentle hold, into his desperate kiss, his quivering hands, his very existence. You were acutely aware of everything that was him. Hair, skin, bones, blood and the way his eyelids fluttered shut, the movement of his mouth against yours as he hungrily sucked on your bottom lip to press the heat of his tongue against your own in a fervent dance that a part of you never wanted to cease. _Loki_. Time stilled as you descended into the fabric of his mind. From the wide hallways of his ambitions to the darkest corners of his secret desires, his soul was laid bare to your scrutiny. _Oh, the mind has mountains_. In that moment, nothing moved outside the two of you.

You took your time feeling your way through everything he in his candour offered up. You had never been this deeply connected before. In your youth, your powers had yet to blossom to their full potential and it had been a struggle to forge the control that you now wore as a second skin. Later in your years, you had mastered your powers, but so had Loki. And his magic and mental wards had been almost as formidable as your empathic abilities.  
Almost.

You sucked in a deep breath as you broke away from him.

“I believe you,” you said softly, grasping his hands tightly in your own. Your heart was beating evenly for the first time in days, but it was nothing to the clarity that rushed through your veins now. “And I’m sorry.”

“What…”

“I’m sorry that the first person you trusted enough to be vulnerable with is letting you down. You don’t deserve that either.” You lifted your clasped hands and gently kissed his knuckles without breaking eye contact. “But if I stay here… with you…” 

You shook your head with a sad smile and the burning agony that shot through your hands then would have made you crumble if you hadn’t felt it so many times before yourself. The feeling of his heart breaking almost made you waver in your decision.  
But unlike you, he didn’t have to bear it alone.

“I don’t understand…,” Loki whispered. His voice felt like a shard of glass against your skin. “I love you…”

“It’s not enough.”

“Don’t say that. I _want_ you. You’ve always been there for me, I… I can be better.”

“I know you can. And you will.” As calmly as you could, you allowed some of your newfound clarity to flow into him and slowly, softly, ease his tortured mind. “If I stay, nothing will change. You forget that I know you better than you know yourself now.”

You managed a small smile when you felt the edge crack off Loki’s heartache and leave a dull mound behind where before stood a steep and sharp peak. You were not going to leave him the same broken mess he had so often left you.

“I think you always did,” he said quietly, a slight quiver moving his lower lip. “I’m sorry.”

He squeezed your hands one last time, leaving several small indents in the shape of new moons on your skin, before you let them fall away. 

“Goodbye, Loki.”

You left him standing in the corridor of the compound, not turning back once. Your heart was still tattered and torn beyond recognition, but for the first time in your life, it wasn’t beating for someone else.  
You were free.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> Comments are always welcome ~


End file.
